Life goes on doesn't it?
by Jotter
Summary: TomDanny slash. The unthinkable happens, and now life must somehow go on. Review please, so I know how I'm doing!


Disclaimer: I don't own the GENIUS that is Spooks. I wish I did, actually - then I wouldn't be such a poor student (ie: not worth suing). These characters aren't mine, I'm just borrowing and dirtying them up a bit. I promise they'll be nice and clean when I give them back.

Rating: PG

**Life goes on, doesn't it?**

A lone figure stood away from the rest of the gathering out of sight. With his long black jacket buttoned to the neck and his cold hands shoved deep into pockets, he didn't attempt to wipe away the tears which were streaming down his face as he watched the proceedings with puffy eyes. There were about 20 people standing with their backs to him, but he could identify a few of them. Shaking shoulders with shaking arms draped over them and tissue-clutching hands clasped by others. These people were all moulded together as one big grieving group. And yet here he was, totally solitary, burdened by his own grief and guilt, shut out from the rest because he could not even begin to face them. From his position he could hear a few stolen words, brought to him by a change in the wind.

"In death as in life, he is a hero" he heard. He bit his lip, preventing a moan of pain escaping and revealing him. A few moments passed.

"We now offer our son Daniel to you lord, to hold in heaven for eternity" Too much. It was all too much. With a last look at the sobbing people, he turned and began to walk away.

"I somehow knew you'd be here, Tom" he heard beside him, suddenly. Tom snapped his head up from the autumn leaves on the ground to look at the owner of the voice. Not so alone, after all.

"Harry" he muttered, exposing his hands to the chill to wipe away the tears from his face, but it was too late. He'd seen them. "I.. I didn't expect to see you here" he sniffed, trying to re-gain his composure.

"Of course I'd be here, much as I knew you would be. I didn't see you in the church, though" Harry glanced sidelong at Tom. He looked different. Tired, weak, even… frail. Not a word Harry ever thought he'd use to describe one of his best Spooks. Tom shrugged his shoulders and kept his gaze on the ground.

"I just… couldn't go in there. It'd be too hard. I wouldn't know what to do. What to say" He raised his head at that last statement and stopped walking suddenly. Harry looked at him, concerned.

"What happened to him?" he asked in a quiet voice. Harry sighed.

"I can't tell you that, Tom" he replied. Tom was just a citizen like any other now. Much as it pained him to exclude him at a time like this, it was more than his job was worth to tell him.

"Please, Harry… All I know is that he died saving a woman's life…" he stopped, eyes wide "Zoe?" he asked. Harry closed his eyes for a moment, deliberating. He knew how much it hurt Tom being cut out of the circle that had been his life so suddenly. He made a decision and opened his eyes, once again seeing Tom's worn out and exhausted face.

"No" he said, so quietly that Tom almost had to ask him to repeat himself. "What you know is not a lie, Tom. It is just not the entire truth. You know as much as I do that I cannot tell you everything. Be content knowing that Danny died a hero. He died doing the job he loved, and because of the…_decision _he made, a woman gets to see her husband and her children another day." Harry watched Tom's clever mind put the pieces of his clues together and come to a conclusion.

"Thank you, Harry" he said quietly. He sniffed away tears that were threatening to fall once again. There were a few moments of silence before Harry spoke again.

"Tom, I will not claim to understand the nature of the relationship that you had with Danny, but what I can grasp quite easily is that you have never looked worse, and in the last few months of his life Danny looked happier then any of us ever remember." Tom found his expression to be soft when he raised his eyes to meet Harry's. "So what I shall say to you now is that should you require a friend to talk to, I am at the end of a phone. As much as I cannot talk about certain issues, I like to think that I am not entirely incompetent when it comes to others". He raised a hand and clasped Tom's shoulder, giving him a last poignant look before turning on his heel and walking away. Tom swallowed and watched Harry's retreating back a while. After a few minutes, he took a deep breath and began walking back in the direction he came from feeling the massive weight on his shoulders lighten a tiny fraction.

He waited until the last person had left before leaving his hidden post and moving slowly towards the headstone. He wrapped his arms around himself as he read the engraving.

'Here rests a gentle soul who died a hero.

Daniel Hunter - Son, brother, friend.

1977 - 2004'

He let out a quiet sob and felt himself fall to his knees. "Oh Danny, I miss you so much already" he said quietly, letting his fingers trace the beautiful words on the white stone. "What am I going to do without you?" he swallowed another sob before leaning forward and touching his lips to the cold granite. "I love you, Danny Hunter. Always will. I love you"

He stayed beside the grave until dusk fell and enveloped the yard in an orange haze, and then made his way slowly back to the flat that he and Danny had shared for the past three months.

Tom looked at his watch: 4:38am. He sighed and positioned his arm back behind his head. He was laying spread out on the sofa, in exactly the same spot that he found himself in when he finally turned the key in the lock of his front door earlier that afternoon. He hadn't slept, he hadn't eaten. He'd just laid there, thinking, reminiscing, crying. He felt like he had no more tears in him left to cry now. He ran a hand over his face, lingering for a moment on his lips. He remembered their first kiss like it was yesterday.

_**flashback**_

"Tom" Tom didn't turn around.

"Tom" Danny repeated, more forceful this time. Finally Tom turned away from the window and faced him, expression unreadable "Why did you do that? Why did you pull me out of that operation - I was fine! Everything was going to plan!" he asked, voice raised in anger.

"Everything was not going to plan, Danny - did you not realise that Zaebon had figured you out?" Tom replied

"No he didn't, there were no signs - I was always looking for the signs, Tom - like you told me and there weren't any! He was just about to finish off that deal and you had to ruin it!"

"Danny! Listen to me, I was watching you… I was watching him, something wasn't right - he knew something was going on" he wasn't in the mood for this. This was the 2nd time he'd let his emotions get in the way of the job. This time he'd let himself get out of hand and Danny was right, he'd pulled him out of a perfectly good operation. And all because he was worried that something would go wrong.

"Tom what is the matter with you? You practically trained me up yourself - do you not think I'm up to this job or something?" Danny watched Tom consider this, worried that he'd say yes.

"You're more than capable of the job Danny, I was just…"

"Just WHAT, Tom? Tell me because I sure as hell can't work out why you would throw me out of an operation I am more than capable of handling!" he was angry now. Tom wasn't giving him anything.

"I was just so worried that something terrible would happen to you and I couldn't let that happen" Tom suddenly said quietly, weakened by the argument and unable to stop the words tumbling out of his mouth. He closed his eyes the moment the last syllable passed his lips, instantly regretting letting his emotions take such a control of him. He dared open his eyes and looked at Danny. He was standing on the other side of the meeting table, his eyes giving away the spike of shock that he'd felt run through him at Tom's words. Suddenly Tom felt like he was about to be sick. Running a hand through his hair, he didn't look at Danny as he practically ran to the door, slid it open and made his way quickly to the toilets where he spent a long time just leaning over the sink, breathing in the conditioned air and settling his nerves.

"You've really buggered it up now" he muttered to himself in the mirror. Fortunately the mirror didn't reply.

_later that day_

Tom had avoided Danny for the entire afternoon after his little outburst. It was tough, but he reasoned it was the best course of action until he could trust his mouth not to spill anymore secrets against his will. He sat at his station, checking the latest data readings when a shadow fell across his desk. He didn't need to look up to know who it was, the familiar intoxicating scent of Danny's aftershave gave him away to Tom in an instant. He took a breath and looked up to meet Danny's gaze.

"You and I have to talk, Tom. Tonight. Zoe's out, come round about 7ish". It wasn't an invitation but was still spoken in Danny's usual soft tone. Before Tom could even reply, Danny was gone, moving off across to the other side of the grid.

"Shit" Tom cursed his inability to protest and after a moment, turned back to the data which he couldn't even remotely concentrate on now.

6.58pm

Danny opened the door after hearing Tom's light knock.

"Hi" he said softly, moving to one side to allow Tom to come in.

"Hi" Tom replied, nervously wiping his clean shoes and stepping into the flat. He waited for Danny to shut the door after him, suddenly feeling as though he were trapped without an exit anymore and then shook the coat from his shoulders.

"Do you want a drink?" Danny asked, walking barefoot into the kitchen and opening the fridge where he knew an unopened bottle of wine lurked.

"Um, yeah.. Yeah thanks" Tom mentally cursed himself again for showing his nervousness. He felt ridiculous acting like this around Danny and tried to force himself to relax a bit as he walked into the lounge he'd been in a hundred times before. He glanced as ever to the pictures on the mantle piece where Danny's mum and dad smiled back at him from silver frames and then sunk down into the soft sofa waiting for him to return from the kitchen.

"Here" he took the offered glass of wine and watched Danny take a seat opposite the sofa. He looked away quickly when Danny looked at him as he took a sip from his own glass.

"What's going on, Tom?" Danny asked then, holding the glass loosely between his fingers. Tom's attention snapped back to the man in front of him and he nervously took a mouthful of wine to allow his brain a second to stop streaming through the flood of thoughts in his mind. "You've been acting strange for a while now, and what was that today in the meeting room - you're worried about me?" Tom put the glass down and let his tongue trace the last few drops of wine from his lips.

"Danny… shit I'm sorry about pulling you out this morning. You were right. You were in control, everything was going fine, you're right to be angry with me". He had psyched himself up on the journey across London to Danny and Zoe's flat and had come to the conclusion that honesty was the best policy. Hey, if it didn't work out… well, then he would deal with it. That or apply for a transfer to six or something. But honest he would be, no matter how painful. He opened his mouth to continue but Danny cut him off.

"So why do it Tom - you knew it was going fine, yet you still pulled me and then made up that shit about him knowing something was up? Why?" he was totally confused now. Tom was always in such control, and yet it looked like the man in front of him was falling to bits as he watched.

"Like I said, Danny - I was worried about you. I got it into my head that he'd seen through the legend… I thought… I worked myself up into believing that he was going to do something. When I saw him reach into his coat I thought that was it. I had to get you out of there. Paranoia will do that to you". Danny listened, intrigued and then ran his hands over his head having put his wine to the table. "I'm sorry for letting my emotions get in the way Danny. Today should never have happened. It's just that… lately… fuck." he stood up suddenly, unable to say the words. Danny watched for a moment and then stood up too, walking over to where Tom stood with his back to him.

"It's ok Tom. Say it. Tell me" he said quietly, making no attempt to touch him or turn him around. Tom closed his eyes. Now or never.

"Lately the need to protect you, to be with you, to…love… you has been too strong for me to be able to ignore anymore. And I hate myself for feeling like this Danny, I really hate jeopardising everything we have because of this, but there's nothing I can do. I can't ignore it any longer - it's started to show itself, even when I've tried my hardest to prevent it. It's showing itself in ways that I can't control and if I don't say anything now then I don't think I will ever be able to stop myself in the future because what I feel for you is growing every day". He said the words slowly, but surely and now hung his head, suddenly unexplainably exhausted having said those fateful words. This was it now. He'd said everything. When Danny said nothing after a few minutes, he made to walk away. He'd only taken two steps though when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He froze, not knowing what to expect at all. Slowly, Danny moved around him so that he was standing in front of him. Suddenly Tom saw the tears that were forming in Danny's eyes and rolling down his cheeks. He desperately fought the urge to wipe them away and instead searched Danny's dark eyes for a moment before Danny finally plucked up the courage to take half a step forward and press his lips against Tom's.

Their first kiss was everything a first kiss should be. Soft, slow, uncertain but so, so right. Gently moving his lips against Danny's, Tom suddenly felt that no matter what happened to him now, he'd die happy - forever knowing what it felt like to be kissing the man that he loved. His eyes had slid closed involuntarily the moment that he'd felt those warm lips on his own and they stayed closed as Danny uncertainly allowed Tom's tongue to explore his mouth and explored Tom's with his own. When they finally had to part for air, Danny smiled as Tom wiped away the few remaining tears on his cheeks with his thumbs.

"That was beautiful, what you said" he said quietly, lost in the pools of emotions that were Tom's eyes. "I want you to protect me, be with me. I've wanted you to love me, Tom for such a long time. I just never thought you would…" he was cut off finishing that sentence by Tom's lips meeting his own once more.

_Present day_

Tom was surprised to find yet more salty tears streaking down his cheeks as he faded back to the present away from the beautiful memory of that night three years ago. Once again he shifted his weight and looked at his watch. 5:15am. He rubbed at his eyes and slowly sat himself into a sitting position. He dragged himself to his feet and stumbled towards the bedroom. He looked through the doorframe at the bed. It looked so big, now that it was just his alone. He looked at Danny's pillow, sure he could still see the faintest indent in it. He dragged his eyes away from the white cotton to the chair in the corner of the room which he realised then had a pair of trousers draped across the back of it. He strained his eyes in the dim light and realised that they weren't his. He felt faint at the sight. He just managed to practically throw himself back onto the sofa, unable yet to face the bedroom alone, before he passed out, emotionally and physically exhausted. His last conscious thought was that somehow, life goes on... doesn't it?


End file.
